I have been hiding something painful. It's time to get honest with everyone. After the birth of my daughter in 2009, I went through a very dark time. The postpartum blues lingered far beyond the typical time. I went to the doctor when my daughter was 6 months old. The doctor heard me say nothing that concerned her. Her response was I just had life problems that I needed to get worked out. Leaving the office that day I believed it must have been just that...normal life situations. I knew deep down it was more.
My typical outgoing self was lost to a person who wanted to stay hidden and protected in the comfort of her home. I fortified my home with invisible barriers between others and myself. It was easy to convince myself that I was happy. I had everything I ever wanted. I was a wife and mother. My husband was allowing me to stay at home. I was right where I wanted to be.
There was one problem. The postpartum "blues." Not the typical blues though. I wasn't crying. I loved my baby. It simply boiled down to how I interacted with those around me. If you felt as though I was pushing you away, I probably did. If you thought I was happy, my goal was accomplished. If this is all a surprise to you, I deceived you well. I quit singing in choir and only attended the Sunday morning service to make my social appearance. All the while I was miserable and alone inside. My distraction and excuse was being the best mother possible. All my energy went to that purpose.
In December 2010, my Heavenly Father stepped in to begin the healing process. During the Christmas service at church, I had an anxiety attack. Through that experience I knew I had to turn back to the One I had pushed away the most. In His goodness, God has restored my relationship with Him. The relationships with others are being restored one relationship at a time.
I have learned amazing things over the past 2 1/2 years. Lessons that are molding me into becoming the woman I desire to be. Lessons on finding beauty within. Please join me on this journey.
